It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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