A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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