My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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