Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
