Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
