I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
