He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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