i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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