Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Of course I have a pirate flag
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
