He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
