Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
