i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
