You made me cry and you don't even care
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
