I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
