Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
