hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
