I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
