i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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