I just made out with a guy for $7.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
