He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
