On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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