I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
