The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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