I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
