I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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