The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
