i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
