My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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