Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
