My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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