you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
