Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So drunk its hurt
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
