Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
