i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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