this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
