dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
