He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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