do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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