Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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