if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
