He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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