I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
