So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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