i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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