my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
