A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
