if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
