It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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