I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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