Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
