We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
